hah. maybe you did.

so today...i found out that the guy who died that everyone has been mourning all over facebook is someone I used to know. We were never super close, but we were friends for a while. so i think he deserves to be mentioned because he's one of the people who kinda got stuck in my memory for some unknown reason...

so here it goes.

the first, and probably the most vivid memory I have of Mack Pattugalan was back in first year college. he was the friend of one of my highschool friends and we used to hang out with him and some other older guys in front of EGI.Being the awkward frosh, the first thing I did when i got to college was join an org. hello, Malate. On the day of the first ever General Assembly, I was with him and my friends in front of EGI. I was about to leave...

Macky: "ah you joined Malate? what section?" Me: "poetry"
Macky: "ah. Malate din ako eh. art. pero sobrang hindi active.hahahaha!"
Me: "ah talaga? G.A ngayon eh. pupunta ako dun."
Macky: "wag na! let's go to GP nalang!!"

*other friends join in and eventually convince me not to go to the G.a and thus, one of my first visits to GP was...born?*

other than that, I dont remember much, except hanging out at EGI or GP and random teasing.

so, Macky, thanks for being one of those people who made my first few weeks/months as an awkward frosh fun. i wish i had gotten to know you more.. i hope you're ok and happy where you are. infinite beaches await you my friend :)

i'm getting a tattoo by April. the end result should look like this, covering my whole back







it will start with the bird.


i haven't drawn anything in a long long long long long time.

it's 11pm. I'm supposed to be at work. but the cars broken and yeah. I'm not hungry and my moms getting on my case about it. she's on the phone with lola, speaker phone. and i hear lola say "baka anorexia". and that just pissed me off.

I quit my job yesterday. I'm starting new job on monday. trying to be fasyon. trying to be girly. trying to be all in-the-club-scene-wiuth-the-socialites-type. its.so.not.me. but at least the pay is better. and the work more interesting.

it's been six months since. hm. it's weird. sometimes i find myself returning to that time, i remember the things we had back then. especially when i feel sad. and i find comfort.

Bruises - Chairlift



I tried to do handstands for you

I tried to do headstands for you

Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell

I tried to do handstands for you

But everytime I fell for you

I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.



I tried to do handstands for you

I tried to do handstands for you

Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell

I tried to do handstands for you but everytime I fell for you

I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh



For you-ooh-ooh-ooh

So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh.



I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees

But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like....

All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,

Hot July ain't good to me

I'm pink and black and blue for you.



I got bruises on my knees for you

And grass stains on my knees for you

Got holes in my new jeans for you

Got pink and black and blue



Got bruises on my knees for you

And grass stains on my knees for you

Got holes in my new jeans for you

Got pink and black and blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh



For you-ooh-ooh-ooh

So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh



Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

Do-doo-do-do-do-do-doo

i'd like to say that i'm burying myself in work in order to forget things, or to distract myself from thinking of other things. i'd really like to.

trouble is, there's hardly any work to be done. and i start to think. and i'm holding back tears now cause i don't want to cry. and i shouldn't even be thinking about these things.


i want a bigger work load. i want to do something. i want to distract myself. i want to use my brain for other things.

the more things i do, the less i think of other things. the less i think of other things, the better i feel.

the only upside to this night shift shit is that i get to sleep the whole day. i get to disappear.

maybe i should just disappear. no one seems to have a problem with it anyway. and i'm already half way there.

since im done with work for the day (its 4:04 am) i'm reading old blog entries. from this blog. and i miss this blog. and i miss drew.

goodbye LJ. goodbye old life. goodbye you. i will miss everything.


hello Tabulas. hello new life. hello you. i'm ready to start again.

10 Favorites

Color
- Black

Flower
- blood red roses

Video Game
- SILENT HILL/ Left 4 dead/ House of the Dead

Musical Instrument
- guitar

Scent
- vanilla or the clean clean clean scent

Food
- dimsum

Dessert
- chocolate haha

Drink
- rootbeer

Book
- Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami

Space
- corner of my bed, by the window, smoking

9 things people would be surprised to know I like/love

Music
- 80's music

Subject
- Chemistry

Sport
- wala wala wala

Part of the body
- hands/ inner arm

Place
- my room. give me internet, a tv, hot/cold water dispenser (for making cup noodles) and a mini fridge there and you will never ever ever see me again.

Movie
- mean girls

Athlete
- uh

Game
- well video games in general cause i used to hate them

Activity
- walking around

8 charactersitics you'd love/like in a

Friend
- trustworthy

Partner
- understanding

Lover
- good haha

Girl
- not an airhead

Guy
- not a douche

Car
- with a driver!

Husband/Wife
- someone who doesn't get boring after years and years and years

House
- funky (look not smell)

7 places you wish you could

Go to regularly
- cavite

Visit at least once in your life
- BUDAPEST

Go back to
- Venice

Save from human destruction
- the world

Blow Up
- none

Take all your friends to
- venice

Never lose
- my room

6 people you'd

Go on a foodtrip with
- Jo in Binondo

Be okay getting lost on the road with
- Mati

Sing songs to
- My brother

Set a building on fire for
- Francine

talk to on the phone for hours
- no one

Love to be trapped on an island with for a week
- Margarita

5 things you wish

You knew how to do
- cook properly

You had done the past week
- drink

You had been the past year
- disappointed

You could find out
- will i finally finally graduate

You could figure out
- how to solve a rubix cube

4 people you associate with

Health
- Ms. Gallan ew ew ew

Intelligence
- Ro-an

Cars
- Mati

Depth
- Mati

3 people you've

Done something really stupid with
- Dago

Bled with
- Francine haha.

formed a completely alien mode of communication with
- Sam

2 things

You can't live without
- passion

You can't live with
- cockroaches

1 thing

You want in life
- peace

Signs - Bloc Party

Two ravens in the old oak tree, one for you and one for me
Bluebells in the late December, I see signs now all the time
The last time we slept together, there was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me but I’m the one that’s drowning now

I could sleep forever these days because in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller face in your confirmation dress
It was so like you to visit me to let me know you were ok
It was so like you visit me, always worrying about someone else

At your funeral I was so upset, so upset,
in your life you were larger than this
statuesque

I see signs now all the time that your not dead your sleeping
I believe in anything that brings you back home to me

+++++++++++++++++

i miss Drew.I'm tearing up. My heart is heavy. Damn, this cold I have makes it hard to breathe. come back please. tonight, I would like to see you. talk to me. swat my hand as I reach for the cigarette. tell me it's ok, that you're still here. it's been two years but still. tell me this is all a cruel cruel joke. i'll forgive you. i swear.

i know we didn't part on a happy note last night. I'm sorry. you're not talking to me now, i understand. kind of. anyway, i'm looking for you now. it's weird, i didn't think i would. hm.

alcohol fucks me up. I won't say I regret anything I did. that would just be added agitation/stress...you know, if i regret it. so no. i don't regret it. maybe i wanted it too. i don't know. no. wait. i don't/didn't want it. i need distance. but i don't want it.

my stomach still stings from the vodka. ow ow ow. but oh well i think it just means i should drink more. tonight.

i love the rain. last night was a strange night. i miss you

it sucks that i cant be happy without other people getting pissed at me. well...fuck you and roll away.






it has been the strangest month.

i finally found you again. nasusuka ako.

Then, when I got to the gate of the airport, i started to cry. When I got off the plane, I almost started to cry.

I miss Dago, I miss my lola, I miss my dad, I miss my siblings, I miss my friends.

I may not be abroad, but damn I'm homesick. Cellphones, landlines, internet, webcams...they're never enough. as Sam says "Cold hands shouldn't touch cold screens or webcams. It should feel warmth :( ". I hate the telephone 'cause you can never tell if the person on the other end is sincere. I hate the internet 'casue the connection keeps getting disconnected. I hate webcams because I can never really see whoever is using it. I hate texting 'cause you never know if you're still "talking" to the same person.

I want to feel warmth. I want to go home.

WHAT MIGHT BE THE VAINEST MEME OF THEM ALL
1. Are we friends?
2. When and how did we meet?
3. How have I affected you?
4. What do you think of me?
5. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
6. How long do you think we will be friends?
7. Do you love me?
8. Do you have a crush on me?
9. Would you kiss me?
10. Would you hug me?
11. Physically, what stands out?
12. Emotionally, what stands out?
13. Do you wish I was cooler?
14. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
15. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
16. Am I loveable?
17. How long have you known me?
18. Describe me in one word.
19. What was your first impression?
20. Do you still think that way about me now?
21. What do you think my weakness is?
22. Do you think I'll get married?
23. What makes me happy?
24. What makes me sad?
25. What reminds you of me?
26. If you could give me anything what would it be?
27. How well do you know me?
28. When's the last time you saw me?
29. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
30. Do you think I could kill someone?
31. Do you miss me?
32. Do you think I miss you?
33. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

so the first stat quiz, I got a 3.0.


the next quiz, i got a 0.0.

LIKE THIS
by Rumi

If anyone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting
will look, lift your face
and say,

Like this.

When someone mentions the gracefulness
of the nightsky, climb up on the roof
and dance and say,

Like this.

If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God’s fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.

Like this.

When someone quotes the old poetic image
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings
of your robe.

Like this.

If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,
don’t try to explain the miracle.
Kiss me on the lips.

Like this. Like this.

When someone asks what it means
to "die for love," point
here.

If someone asks how tall I am, frown
and measure with your fingers the space
between the creases on your forehead.

This tall.

The soul sometimes leaves the body, the returns.
When someone doesn’t believe that,
walk back into my house.

Like this.

When lovers moan,
they’re telling our story.

Like this.

I am a sky where spirits live.
Stare into this deepening blue,
while the breeze says a secret.

Like this.

When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand.

Like this.

How did Joseph’s scent come to Jacob?

Huuuuu.

How did Jacob’s sight return?

Huuuu.

A little wind cleans the eyes.

Like this.

When Shams comes back from Tabriz,
he’ll put just his head around the edge
of the door to surprise us

Like this.

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post a line from the first 50 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing. See which of your friends can name the most songs.
Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game, post your own.

1. Its like a book elegantly bound but in a language that you can't read

2. And for you I keep my legs apart and forget about my tainted heart

3. I wasn't where you were, I'm never where you are

4. I felt you in my legs before I even met you and when I laid beside you for the first time I told you

5. You aren't allowed to say that 'cause you're a hipster type

6. And we run any day, we'll skip town they won't even hear us come

7. Midnight on a beach in the Mediterranean and I miss you even here taking it all in

8. Sleeping, I saw you in a dream. Hey, I'm feeling kind of sick these days

9. Something goes wrong and all I sought was happiness

10. Don’t sing soft it’s what they want they will turn your stomach into shards

11. Has he lost his mind? can he see or is he blind?

12. Yeah, windows down, wine in our heads, the city lights just blur

13. If I wake up in your mind, I guess you're right

14. I'm still running away (woah woah) I won't play your hide and seek games (woah woah)

15. We won't get a chance to do this over

16. In winter you're an affliction that repeatedly defeated me

17. What else could I be? all apologies

18. Apres moi, le deluge after me comes the flood

19. I'd sell my soul my self esteem a dollar at a time for one chance one kiss one taste of you my magdalena

20. And I know you just can't help can't you see it through my eyes

21. I loved my English romance

(Nov. 17 '08)

okay itutuloy ko na.

22. Baby take my arms Maybe take my legs but Please don't take my babe

23. Home's face how it ages when you're away

....okay tinamad nanaman ako.


ok tinamad ako.haha. shall continue next time